Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”