*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.