Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Why soy sad?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ