Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.