Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
You Might Also Like
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?