I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.