Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.