Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
sliding into dms like