I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.