Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!