I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
You Might Also Like
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.