Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Before & after 😅
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.