One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
No chill.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
😂😂😂
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow