Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
🤣🤣🤣
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Life cycle of cat
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.