Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.