No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
This is what makes twitter great
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..