But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
S O O N
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.