DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.