What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
an airline just for babies.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?