Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is