Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Its a hippotatomus
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal