[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire