An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.