Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Am I having a stroke?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now