me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working