If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Husband of the year 😂
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me