When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!