This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
it’s finally my moment to shine
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Hey! This isn’t my car!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.