Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.