I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.