[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.