My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
You Might Also Like
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
peak technology
Good boy 😂😂
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: