Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Why are bridges so flammable.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.