Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.