ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Harsh but fair
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Confused owl: What?!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.