Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
That 👊
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.