2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
🖤✌🏽
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing