While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
New Tinder profile.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
this makes me so uncomfortable
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?