Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.