SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.