If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
WHY?!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown