YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
🔦🌙👣
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.