Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.