Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
🙂🙃🥹
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.