dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Pandas 🐼🖤
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
this country is so goddamn polarized
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question