Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Flowers bee like
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog