My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.