You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
There’s only one good girl here!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
She: I like Cats
He:
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*