My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Customize Your Wedding.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice