The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.